Waiting Game.

That's what's going on over here lately. Waiting on the Lord to tell us what to do, where to go, how to go. I have a hard time waiting. I am a total waiting failure.

I am a make a list and cross it off kind of girl.

Waiting on job answers, health answers, family relationship answers, baby answers, leaps of faith answers. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Everyone else can't have it all figured out, can they?

So, here we are. Twiddling our fingers, praying, and trying to listen.

Do you know how hard it can be to hear God? I'm waiting God. I'm sure there's something to be learned from all this waitin'. Patience. Trust. Faith. Contentment.

Psalm 130:5-6: “I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning

Psalm 145:15 The eyes of all look to Thee, And Thou dost give them their food in due time

Galatians 6:9 And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.

Psalm 25:4-5
Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long

 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

 

American Dream

Have y'all seen this video? It pretty much sums up what Matth and I have been talking about, praying about, even maybe a little discussing heatedly, over the past couple weeks.  

When did we decide our goal was the American dream? When did we decide that success was measured in a a large savings fund, a well-decorated home, in college and retirement plans?

When did we decide that "safe" was what we wanted to teach our children? That what Jesus says in the Bible doesn't really apply to us in this day and age? That we can trade Jesus's dreams for our American dream? That we can fit His agenda to ours?

Even after a few weeks of talking and praying, we still don't have all the answers. But we do know He's working on our hearts overtime lately.

I think it started with reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan (that guy up there), but Radical by David Platt blew our socks off. We haven't felt the same since. Platt has us up late at night talking, grappling, hemming, and hawing. Go read it!

A Few Things

Blurry pic of me and my baby.

Is it really the end of March and I've posted one thing this month? Goodness. Not much to say, I guess.

I will have a two year old next week. That breaks my heart and makes me proud at the same time.

We are already wearing some flip flops and grilling over here. This weather is glorious.

Our flowers are blooming and every free minute is spent outside, planting, and digging in the dirt.

There's just something about spring time that makes me amazed at God's ability to make everything new again.

My fussy boy is doing much better. I hated to end on that last blog post, and I should really learn that everything will pass in due time. We are getting outside a lot more, and he does MUCH better when he's not bored to death.

We are having lots of big talks in our house these days about some pretty exciting stuff. I'm not ready to share it all yet, but I can't wait to shout it when we're sure. And no, not pregnant.

Being a grown-up has thrown Matth and I for some loops lately. We feel like we're in two different cities all the time. Half invested in our home town, and half-invested here. We wish we could be FULLY involved HERE and THERE. Impossible, but we wish.

Handsome Groom.

I've had some health issues lately. I think pregnancies, c-section, surgery, etc. has really thrown my body for a loop. There are lots of specialty doctor appointments in my future, and I'm praying for answers to get my body back on track.

Matth has some big work issues going on too, and he's on a time crunch to perform or find something else. We are praying fervently that God's hand is in this, and whether Matth succeeds or not, we'll have peace that God knows what he's doing and where we're going. I guess you could say we're praying that for a lot of things these days.

Eli's enrolled in school for next year. I'm not ready to send him to school. Well, some days, I am. :)

Easter's around the corner, and it's my very favorite celebration. Celebrating a risen savior who graces me with mercy when I sin again and again. Here's to less bunnies and more praise!

Is that all for now? I think so. Can't wait to tell you more soon!!

Me and my little blondie.

Help, please!

You guys. I am at a loss of what to do over my soon to be two year old. Let's talk about today. He cried. and cried. and cried.

He literally wants me to sit and hold him and do nothing else. If I leave the room to get something to drink, or go get clothes out of the laundry, or for pete's sake, go to the bathroom, he right away start crying...wailing really, and follows me with arms out, crying "mama". If we are playing on the floor together and I have to get up to go answer my phone, he starts crying as soon as I stand up. I can't even iron in the same room as him b/c he wants me sitting holding him instead. He will stand in front of me holding my legs sobbing, until I pick him up or try to walk around him. What's the deal?

I stay home with him, so we are together all the time. He doesn't need MORE attention from me. It's not that he misses me and needs some one on one mama time. He gets that all day long.

I try to explain to him in short terms..."mama's busy. Mama's doing something right now. Mama can't hold you this second. Please stop crying. No whining. Talk like a big boy please." When all those pleas don't work, I will sit him in time-out to let him regain his composure, but even that usually just makes him cry more!!

Maybe he needs time away from me to learn that I can't be with him and hold him all the time? Why won't he play in his room with all his toys by himself? Even for 10 minutes?

Today, I had to sit him in his room just to get a break, and literally cried out of frustration. It makes me feel bad that I am putting him in time-out for wanting me to hold him, but it's more that he can't learn to be ten feet away from me!!

Advice? We are registering him THIS week for MDO for August. But other than that, what do I do??!!

These are the faces I see all day. Is this just him being almost two? Help!

Random BB pics

I know lots of people do "Iphone dumps" for a post. Their pics are a lot clearer than my Blackberry ones. I love these little pics though. Just the ordinary, everyday things around here.

 If I make a list the night before, Eli and I get up and head straight to the grocery store after breakfast. This was a cold, rainy morning, so I didn't even bother getting him out of his p.j.s. Footed jammies, pea coat, juice, all set. If we leave early enough, I can justify a Starbucks for me. Win, win.

 I tested out my hair-cutting skills one day while Matth was away on business. I thought the back looked okay.

 The front was another story. I cut his bangs way too short. We ended up calling him Llpyd from Dumb and Dumber for a month. Matth in a gentle way suggested we call a professional next time.

 Does your floor look like this right after you vaccuum? Good, mine doesn't either. I don't even bother putting the vaccuum away anymore.

 Trying on dada's shoes while he's away. You can kind of see my bad bang job here.

Do I have something on my lip?

Eating a post-nap pocorn snack before playing outside. Love this Gap vest I found at Goodwill for two dollars.

Matth brought Eli into the kitchen to show me his new "trick". My response, "Why in the world would you teach him this?" Like our toddler needs more encouragement to climb dangerous things.

And a little video of this nutbox in action. Matth and I couldn't stop laughing at his antics, and as the video shows, he knew he was making us laugh. Such a ham.

By the Way.

Today is going to be 64 degrees here in Tennessee, y'all. This is why I don't think I could ever leave the South. I LOVE days like this during the winter time. We will be spending most of today outside, but while I wait on my stinker to wake up, I thought I'd share what I'm loving lately.

First, all natural creamer. I'm a coffee with creamer girl. Probably one quarter creamer, three quarters coffee. I wish I could be really mature and drink it black, but I just can't. I used to use whole milk and sugar, UNTIL I discovered this. I like the sweet cream and vanilla flavors, and the best part is they're all natural!

When I was pregnant with Eli, I tried taking all those expensive horse prenatal pills, but they made me so sick. And since I was already throwing up multiples times a day, I just couldn't take them and add one more thing that made me sick. So, my dr. told me to take Flinstone vitamins, just two instead of one a day. The only problem with those is that one time I guess I had put one in my pocket at some point to take later. Somehow it got a little wet and ended up under my dresser. WELL, I started smelling what I thought was cat urine in our room. It drove me crazy, and sick. I searched high and low for what I thought was a puddle of urine. I bugged Matthew about it for a good week, and of course, having a normal sense of smell, he couldn't smell a thing, and thought I was crazy. I finally got down on my hands and knees and searched my entire room, sniffing left and right. I ended up at my dresser, and thought, "that darn cat peed on my clothes!" What did I find instead? One slightly wet flinstone vitamin.

Fast forward to this past August when we got pregnant and I needed to take vitamins again. I started with the chewable Flinstones, but gagged every time b/c I always thought of the cat smell when I was chewing them. LO and BEHOLD, they make Flinstone GUMMIES!! This is revolutionary, people. I take two a day, and have to hide them from Eli b/c he thinks they're candy. They are delicious. Like fruit snacks. Not cat urine. The end.

Last, I do a little online shopping during rainy day nap times. I load tons of cute clothes on my cart, and then I close out the window, and never purchase. I love these little boots from, of all places, Wet Seal. They look cute, comfy, and my favorite part, cheap! My birthday is Feb. 15th and I wear a 7.5. :)

I wish I could show you them not blurry, but I couldn't find a bigger image to save. Here's the link in case you want to check them out for yourself. http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=109&productId=53307&color=NATURAL&altImageId=3

Last, this nail color. It's Mink Muffs by Essie, and I've been wearing it for the past two weeks. I have to reapply constantly though b/c washing dishes and babies wreaks havoc on polished nails. It's a good Fall taupe color.

These are not my nails. My paint jobs don't look quite as nice as that!

What about you? Any recommendations?

January Shmanuary.

I am not a fan of January. There's no holiday to celebrate after New Year's Day, there's no warm weather...it's a funk-infused month. I love the sun, and there's not much of that going on either. Eli and I have been racking our brains for things to do. Here's what we've been up to:

Licking batter off spoons.

And actually making the cookies too.

Enjoying Eli's favorite meal of noodles and tomato sauce.

Excitement on his blurry sauce covered face. He even loves to put it in his hair.

Playing outside on a 55 degree day.

"Boo, Huck, BA!" (or, Boone, Huck, Ball!)

Wearing what Matth calls his girly dog coat.

I just call it precious.

Boone! Huck won't sit still long enough for these.

Enjoying some hot chocolate out of a big boy mug.

Play dough with Dad.

Way cooler than when I make hearts and shapes with him.

That's what we've been up to. We went to an intro class at Little Gym on Monday, and Eli loved it. We signed him up right away and we start his first class tomorrow. We only signed up for through April to get us through the winter months. After that, we'll be outside and at the Y pool every day! What do y'all do with your toddlers when this cold January funk of a month settles in? How do you keep them entertained? I'm running out of ideas!

You Give and Take Away.

Oh goodness. Here I am thinking I was healing and doing just fine, and all of a sudden, it'll hit me I'm not having a baby in August. I don't know when or if I'll have a baby again, and my heart aches for my lost baby. A pampers commercial came on one night, where they show sweet babies sleeping soundly, and Matth turned to me and said, "I want a baby." That did it. A mess. And I cried.

I just read a blog entry of a complete stranger (although I feel I know her through her blog) and after more than a year, God blessed her with baby number four. She just posted today that her appointment at 17 weeks showed no heartbeat. And I cried.

Eli lifted my shirt to pat my belly, and said "baby". And I cried.

The doctor today told me I have to wait two more months before trying again. Two months seems like a long time when we wanted a baby last March. She asked how my sadness was. I told her,
Good!" And I cried.

I'll tell you what, friends. You all have shown so much kindness and support after hearing of our misfortune. I have had phone calls, and texts, and facebook messages, and cards in the mail, just to let me know you were thinking and praying for us. My heart swells with gratitude when my friends show love and grieve with us. This, by far, is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I never thought I would handle a miscarriage this way, but here it is, and I'm not as strong as I thought. Which is okay.

All my life, I've known I wanted babies. I couldn't wait to find the one God planned for me, and start a family. I don't think there is much else of importance in this world to me other than raising a family. I have two parents I love, but I've always been anxious to have my own family and be a mama and daddy the way I hoped my own parents would be. I don't know what God's plans are, and I know it's fruitless to ask why. I know His plans are greater than mine, and all things work for His good, not mine. He created that sweet baby, and he took that baby away. I guess it's not up to me to ask him why, although I wish I had answers.

I have been amazed at the many friends and family who have confided in me about their own babies and losses. It breaks my heart that so many friends have also gone through this, but oh, how it's helped soothe my soul to know I'm not alone. I know everyone grieves differently, and some people don't want to talk about their losses, but hearing these stories of similar situations, faith in God, and happy endings has been a balm for my heart. So thank you if you are one of those people. You truly have allowed me to feel "better", if there is such a word for this.

There are a few songs that have made me weep and allowed me to grieve and praise God at the same time.

"Blessed Be Your Name" Matt Redman

You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be your name. (I absolutely cannot get through this one without turning into a bawling mess.)

"Held" Natalie Grant

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
"Glory Baby" Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

"I Will Carry You" Selah

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Those are just some of the lines to the songs. I cry every time. I didn't know I would feel like a mama to this baby if I never truly saw his or her face, but I was definitely wrong. I was blessed to carry this baby for 8 little weeks, and I will always feel like I have had two babies. I encourage you to listen to these songs and if you are grieving a baby, that they will take away some of your anger and heal your hurting heart. Even though words from friends have been so wonderful, the most encouraging thing so far has been to allow myself to listen to these songs, weep, grieve, pray, and praise God through this storm. Happier posts coming soon I promise!! :)

I'm not sure how to start this post. I should be recapping our very merry Christmas and the look on my sweet boy's face when he saw his thrift store gifts. I should be telling you about the many days we were blessed to spend with family and siblings, and how Eli was in love with Hank, Anthony and Kelci's dog. I should have taken pictures of all the wonderful food we ate, and the cups of coffee, and late nights of movies and board games.

Instead, I'm afraid my memories of this Christmas will always be a little tainted with the pain of losing a baby. Matthew and I found out, after many months of trying and praying, that our biggest Christmas gift was going to be a new sweet baby due next August. We were so excited that we even sent out a picture announcement to close family to share the news.

We found out at four weeks, and the nausea started at five. I was prepared to be exhausted and extremely sick for the first four months or so, just like with Eli. Week five passed slowly, with the sickness staying all day every day. I could barely get through the day with Eli, and crawled into bed every nap and bed time. We talked about names, and decided to keep the sex a secret. We started planning how to rearrange our rooms to fit two babies. We taught Eli to point to my belly when asked where the baby was.

We sent out the picture and were so excited to celebrate with our families this Christmas. When we got to Franklin, I started feeling better. I could eat all the meals, help in the kitchen, and I stayed up late. Right away, I thought something wasn't right. I know my body, and knew it didn't react this way to growing a baby. Of course, Matthew tried to reassure me I was just lucky this time. I prayed for my baby's health and prayed to be severely nauseous every day. I was very anxious to get to my first doctor's appointment and be told everything was fine.

On Wednesday the 28th, I had my first ultrasound. There was my baby, measuring 7 weeks 4 days, a little big, just like Eli always had. I cried tears of joy.  The doctor was very quiet when she told me everything looked great size wise, but the baby's heart rate was a little low, and she was a little concerned. She also told me it might just be the ultrasound machine not picking it up very well. I left that day with hope and a follow-up appointment the next day with the offical ultrasound tech. Matthew and I prayed all night and the next morning.

When I had the second ultrasound, the tech was very quiet and was also very kind. My baby now measured 7 weeks 5 days; he or she had grown that morning. She showed me everything she saw; a healthy yolk sak, healthy looking baby...but no heartbeat. She kept telling me she was so sorry, and let me lay there and cry for awhile, telling me she had gone through the same thing three times.

My doctor came back in after that, and we discussed my options. I decided to have a DNC the very next day, on Matthew's birthday. I knew my baby was no longer alive, and I didn't want to pass the weeks waiting and wondering when my body would start letting go. I called Matthew on my way home and he was waiting for me in the driveway when I got home.

We've been doing a lot of crying, praying, and healing these past few days. We are very sad, and I am mourning our sweet baby, but know God has plans we don't always understand. I am now in a club I don't want to be in, but I have also felt so supported by friends and others who have gone through the same thing. I know God was with me from the beginning. The tech and my doctor both had multiple miscarriages, and both held my hand and let me cry, fully understanding my pain. I have a few friends who have gone through this, and they have offered many words of prayer and advice over the past few days.

I wasn't sure I would write about this,but I have read many other's stories on blogs over the weekend, and it has really helped me with not feeling so alone. Unfortunately, Matthew couldn't be there with me for the ultrasounds, so he never saw our baby with a beating heart, and then our baby with none. A mama's heart is a wonderful thing; I read somewhere that as soon as you find out you are pregnant, you prepare another place at the table for that child.

We did. We talked names, bedroom arrangements, we imagined next Christmas with a four month old. We moved our summer vacation up so I could still go. Those plans will now have to wait. My mama heart still has some healing to do; We still know God is good, and he loves us beyond comprehension. He opens and closes the womb, and we pray he will choose us again to parent his children. Thank you for your prayers. I hope none of you ever have to go through this, but if you do, I also pray you know you are not alone, and I know God hears our prayers.

I am repeating Psalm 61:2 lately:

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Isaiah 55:9    As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

A Tad Late

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!! Hope you had a wonderful holiday celebrating the birth of our savior!

Christmas wish.

Hi friends.

I have a prayer request for you- hope you don't mind. I know God hears those who earnestly seek his help and care, and I can't help but selfishly ask for some more prayers on your behalf.

In October, my Dad called to tell me he would be driving through town on the way to see my grandmother. He was going to "stop by" and say hello for a few minutes. I told him Eli and I happened to be free, and we'd love to join him.

I am so glad I went. It's a rare occasion that I get to spend time with my dad alone these days, and for a few days, it was just me, my dad, my 87 year old grandmother, and my baby boy. When I first saw my dad, he looked skinnier than he had in years. He also looked really tired and worried.

As soon as we got to my grandmother's and were sitting down to visit, he told us some stressful news about his work. I knew that wasn't the main topic he wanted to tell us though. After we discussed that issue, he then informed us that he was diagnosed with high-risk stage four cancer in May. He didn't want us to worry, and wasn't even going to tell us if he could have gone through treatment and chemo in Nashville. Instead, he is now in Florida undergoing a clinical trial treatment. He has been there since November 1 and will remain until January.

He is doing well so far, and has had minimal side effects so far. He's rented a beach front condo and is busying himself by reading lots of books and fixing up the condo for his renter. He's replaced blinds and fixed kitchen backsplashes, etc. She's happily knocking his labor off his monthly rent. He's hoping it'll be free by the time he leaves. :)

Would you mind praying for the effectiveness of his treatment, for his health, for his loneliness, and that he uses this time to really grow closer to God and learn to really rely on Jesus during this time? I hate that he'll be all alone for Christmas and I hate that the only thing on his wish list this year is to be free from cancer. Pray with me, friends?

Thank you.

Young children, fresh uncluttered minds, the world before them - to what treasures will you lead them? With that will you furnish their spirit?

Gladys Hunt- Honey For A Child's Heart

Fair came to Town.

The fair came to town. We waited until the very last day and took Eli for his very first East Tennessee fair experience. I hadn't been to one since probably high school, and let me say, it did not disappoint. It was even Latina day at the fair, so we enjoyed hearing hispanic music there too.

There was every kind of meat on a stick and fried food you could imagine. We ate two hot dogs, and were disappointed, so Matthew went back and got himself a giant sausage on a bun. We were pretty satisfied with that. Everyone wants you to play their game, and one guy kept calling out to Matth, "Oh look, it's Mr. Hollywood. Show us what ya got Hollywood." I told Matth he was a little too nicely dressed for the fair.

 They had a petting zoo set up in the middle of the fairground, and Eli was in love. He touched almost every animal, and would stand and stare at the camels when they stood up. He's never seen anything so close up before.

This guy was so mean. Ostrich? Emu? They had sharp beaks and would crane their necks far out and try to peck the food out of your hand. We didn't stop long to visit with them.

Eli was too small for almost every single ride there but two of them. He just made the cut-off for the inches requirement, but was definitely the youngest child on them. Other parents were watching my reactions b/c I was so nervous for my tiny toddler riding alone.

He LOVED the rides. His tiny hiney would slide off the seats, but I told the man to strap him in for dear life, and then I double-checked it to make sure he wasn't going anywhere. It was so much fun to see him having so much fun.

Next, we splurged and let Eli try his first funnel cake. He actually wasn't too impressed, which isn't news to me. He chose lima beans over creamed corn and mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. He likes to eat healthy, that boy.

I'm working on using our self-timer more. It's nice to have shots of the three of us together every now and then.

Mr. Hollywood enjoying his second lunch at the fair.

I'd say our first fair together was a success. I'm not so sure we'll make it a yearly tradition, but we enjoyed showing Eli part of his redneck roots. :)