I'm not just fine; are you?

Hi friends! I've thought about this little blog many times lately and have written nothing. There is a lot of stuff swirling around this head and heart of mine, but I can't seem to get it out on paper lately.



This post is a lot like these pics of Eli trying to ride a tricycle. No matter how hard I try to figure it out, I just can't figure it out yet. But I keep on tryin'.

Friends and acquaintances always ask, "What's new?" "How's it going?" and Matth and I reply, "Not much!" The truth is: A LOT. There's a lot of talking going on over here in the Bills' household. Lots of thinking. Lots of praying. A little crying too. I think all those usually go together.

Isn't it funny how people keep stuff in? At church especially sometimes. If I just unloaded all these thoughts and mess on you for a simple "How are you?" you'd probably walk away thinking, "Goodness lady; wish I wouldn't have asked!" :)

For some reason, we tend to keep it all in. "I'm fine!" Then we walk away and feel good b/c we greeted that person for the day. I'm definitely guilty of that. What we really need to do as Christians, I think, is ask sincere questions about what's going on in our lives, give sincere responses, and not try to pretend that everything's falling in place as usual. A pride issue, maybe? I need to definitely put that pride aside and learn to be a little more transparent. I guess the truth is, I feel (and could be totally wrong) that many people just want the quick "fine" response! It's certainly easier that way than all the stuff that you could hear! Lately, I really DO want to hear how other people are doing. Are you going through some hard stuff? Maybe it's the same stuff we are! Maybe we could encourage and support one another! What a great idea God- that fellowship/community thing- you really knew what you were talking about there!

So let me say, friends, that things are not PERFECT over here. Surprised? :) I hope I never come across as having it all together, and I certainly don't want to come across like everything is always "fine" over here. Lately, lots of things aren't "fine" in this season, but I know one thing: God is always constant. The one thing I'm learning is to cry out to God more. Not my own mind, not my friends, not my husband....to Him. Even if it's to tell Him that I'm frustrated, disappointed, discontent, and just plain sad. I feel that He is the only one who understands how I truly feel. He wants us to turn to him FIRST, not after we've tried our other outlets. I keep asking God what it is that I'm supposed to be learning during this season, like maybe once I figure out what it is, He'll give me my heart's desires. Ha. What I'm learning is that these harder seasons are definitely a time to pray, ask questions, grapple, change, and grow closer to Him. That doesn't mean there will be a big "aha!" moment at the end and then things will fall into place. I might look back in one year, or ten years from now and see the growth and lessons that occurred.

One other thing? If you ask God to break your heart for what breaks His, be warned. A lot of tough stuff comes with that. TOUGH stuff. But, I asked for it, right? :) So here's my answer: We are not perfectly fine over here; there's a lot of sad things going on, but we're trying to figure it out. Would you pray for us? Is there something not perfectly fine at your house too? Can I pray for you? Great!