By the Way.

Today is going to be 64 degrees here in Tennessee, y'all. This is why I don't think I could ever leave the South. I LOVE days like this during the winter time. We will be spending most of today outside, but while I wait on my stinker to wake up, I thought I'd share what I'm loving lately.

First, all natural creamer. I'm a coffee with creamer girl. Probably one quarter creamer, three quarters coffee. I wish I could be really mature and drink it black, but I just can't. I used to use whole milk and sugar, UNTIL I discovered this. I like the sweet cream and vanilla flavors, and the best part is they're all natural!

When I was pregnant with Eli, I tried taking all those expensive horse prenatal pills, but they made me so sick. And since I was already throwing up multiples times a day, I just couldn't take them and add one more thing that made me sick. So, my dr. told me to take Flinstone vitamins, just two instead of one a day. The only problem with those is that one time I guess I had put one in my pocket at some point to take later. Somehow it got a little wet and ended up under my dresser. WELL, I started smelling what I thought was cat urine in our room. It drove me crazy, and sick. I searched high and low for what I thought was a puddle of urine. I bugged Matthew about it for a good week, and of course, having a normal sense of smell, he couldn't smell a thing, and thought I was crazy. I finally got down on my hands and knees and searched my entire room, sniffing left and right. I ended up at my dresser, and thought, "that darn cat peed on my clothes!" What did I find instead? One slightly wet flinstone vitamin.

Fast forward to this past August when we got pregnant and I needed to take vitamins again. I started with the chewable Flinstones, but gagged every time b/c I always thought of the cat smell when I was chewing them. LO and BEHOLD, they make Flinstone GUMMIES!! This is revolutionary, people. I take two a day, and have to hide them from Eli b/c he thinks they're candy. They are delicious. Like fruit snacks. Not cat urine. The end.

Last, I do a little online shopping during rainy day nap times. I load tons of cute clothes on my cart, and then I close out the window, and never purchase. I love these little boots from, of all places, Wet Seal. They look cute, comfy, and my favorite part, cheap! My birthday is Feb. 15th and I wear a 7.5. :)

I wish I could show you them not blurry, but I couldn't find a bigger image to save. Here's the link in case you want to check them out for yourself. http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=109&productId=53307&color=NATURAL&altImageId=3

Last, this nail color. It's Mink Muffs by Essie, and I've been wearing it for the past two weeks. I have to reapply constantly though b/c washing dishes and babies wreaks havoc on polished nails. It's a good Fall taupe color.

These are not my nails. My paint jobs don't look quite as nice as that!

What about you? Any recommendations?

January Shmanuary.

I am not a fan of January. There's no holiday to celebrate after New Year's Day, there's no warm weather...it's a funk-infused month. I love the sun, and there's not much of that going on either. Eli and I have been racking our brains for things to do. Here's what we've been up to:

Licking batter off spoons.

And actually making the cookies too.

Enjoying Eli's favorite meal of noodles and tomato sauce.

Excitement on his blurry sauce covered face. He even loves to put it in his hair.

Playing outside on a 55 degree day.

"Boo, Huck, BA!" (or, Boone, Huck, Ball!)

Wearing what Matth calls his girly dog coat.

I just call it precious.

Boone! Huck won't sit still long enough for these.

Enjoying some hot chocolate out of a big boy mug.

Play dough with Dad.

Way cooler than when I make hearts and shapes with him.

That's what we've been up to. We went to an intro class at Little Gym on Monday, and Eli loved it. We signed him up right away and we start his first class tomorrow. We only signed up for through April to get us through the winter months. After that, we'll be outside and at the Y pool every day! What do y'all do with your toddlers when this cold January funk of a month settles in? How do you keep them entertained? I'm running out of ideas!

You Give and Take Away.

Oh goodness. Here I am thinking I was healing and doing just fine, and all of a sudden, it'll hit me I'm not having a baby in August. I don't know when or if I'll have a baby again, and my heart aches for my lost baby. A pampers commercial came on one night, where they show sweet babies sleeping soundly, and Matth turned to me and said, "I want a baby." That did it. A mess. And I cried.

I just read a blog entry of a complete stranger (although I feel I know her through her blog) and after more than a year, God blessed her with baby number four. She just posted today that her appointment at 17 weeks showed no heartbeat. And I cried.

Eli lifted my shirt to pat my belly, and said "baby". And I cried.

The doctor today told me I have to wait two more months before trying again. Two months seems like a long time when we wanted a baby last March. She asked how my sadness was. I told her,
Good!" And I cried.

I'll tell you what, friends. You all have shown so much kindness and support after hearing of our misfortune. I have had phone calls, and texts, and facebook messages, and cards in the mail, just to let me know you were thinking and praying for us. My heart swells with gratitude when my friends show love and grieve with us. This, by far, is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I never thought I would handle a miscarriage this way, but here it is, and I'm not as strong as I thought. Which is okay.

All my life, I've known I wanted babies. I couldn't wait to find the one God planned for me, and start a family. I don't think there is much else of importance in this world to me other than raising a family. I have two parents I love, but I've always been anxious to have my own family and be a mama and daddy the way I hoped my own parents would be. I don't know what God's plans are, and I know it's fruitless to ask why. I know His plans are greater than mine, and all things work for His good, not mine. He created that sweet baby, and he took that baby away. I guess it's not up to me to ask him why, although I wish I had answers.

I have been amazed at the many friends and family who have confided in me about their own babies and losses. It breaks my heart that so many friends have also gone through this, but oh, how it's helped soothe my soul to know I'm not alone. I know everyone grieves differently, and some people don't want to talk about their losses, but hearing these stories of similar situations, faith in God, and happy endings has been a balm for my heart. So thank you if you are one of those people. You truly have allowed me to feel "better", if there is such a word for this.

There are a few songs that have made me weep and allowed me to grieve and praise God at the same time.

"Blessed Be Your Name" Matt Redman

You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be your name. (I absolutely cannot get through this one without turning into a bawling mess.)

"Held" Natalie Grant

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
"Glory Baby" Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

"I Will Carry You" Selah

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Those are just some of the lines to the songs. I cry every time. I didn't know I would feel like a mama to this baby if I never truly saw his or her face, but I was definitely wrong. I was blessed to carry this baby for 8 little weeks, and I will always feel like I have had two babies. I encourage you to listen to these songs and if you are grieving a baby, that they will take away some of your anger and heal your hurting heart. Even though words from friends have been so wonderful, the most encouraging thing so far has been to allow myself to listen to these songs, weep, grieve, pray, and praise God through this storm. Happier posts coming soon I promise!! :)

I'm not sure how to start this post. I should be recapping our very merry Christmas and the look on my sweet boy's face when he saw his thrift store gifts. I should be telling you about the many days we were blessed to spend with family and siblings, and how Eli was in love with Hank, Anthony and Kelci's dog. I should have taken pictures of all the wonderful food we ate, and the cups of coffee, and late nights of movies and board games.

Instead, I'm afraid my memories of this Christmas will always be a little tainted with the pain of losing a baby. Matthew and I found out, after many months of trying and praying, that our biggest Christmas gift was going to be a new sweet baby due next August. We were so excited that we even sent out a picture announcement to close family to share the news.

We found out at four weeks, and the nausea started at five. I was prepared to be exhausted and extremely sick for the first four months or so, just like with Eli. Week five passed slowly, with the sickness staying all day every day. I could barely get through the day with Eli, and crawled into bed every nap and bed time. We talked about names, and decided to keep the sex a secret. We started planning how to rearrange our rooms to fit two babies. We taught Eli to point to my belly when asked where the baby was.

We sent out the picture and were so excited to celebrate with our families this Christmas. When we got to Franklin, I started feeling better. I could eat all the meals, help in the kitchen, and I stayed up late. Right away, I thought something wasn't right. I know my body, and knew it didn't react this way to growing a baby. Of course, Matthew tried to reassure me I was just lucky this time. I prayed for my baby's health and prayed to be severely nauseous every day. I was very anxious to get to my first doctor's appointment and be told everything was fine.

On Wednesday the 28th, I had my first ultrasound. There was my baby, measuring 7 weeks 4 days, a little big, just like Eli always had. I cried tears of joy.  The doctor was very quiet when she told me everything looked great size wise, but the baby's heart rate was a little low, and she was a little concerned. She also told me it might just be the ultrasound machine not picking it up very well. I left that day with hope and a follow-up appointment the next day with the offical ultrasound tech. Matthew and I prayed all night and the next morning.

When I had the second ultrasound, the tech was very quiet and was also very kind. My baby now measured 7 weeks 5 days; he or she had grown that morning. She showed me everything she saw; a healthy yolk sak, healthy looking baby...but no heartbeat. She kept telling me she was so sorry, and let me lay there and cry for awhile, telling me she had gone through the same thing three times.

My doctor came back in after that, and we discussed my options. I decided to have a DNC the very next day, on Matthew's birthday. I knew my baby was no longer alive, and I didn't want to pass the weeks waiting and wondering when my body would start letting go. I called Matthew on my way home and he was waiting for me in the driveway when I got home.

We've been doing a lot of crying, praying, and healing these past few days. We are very sad, and I am mourning our sweet baby, but know God has plans we don't always understand. I am now in a club I don't want to be in, but I have also felt so supported by friends and others who have gone through the same thing. I know God was with me from the beginning. The tech and my doctor both had multiple miscarriages, and both held my hand and let me cry, fully understanding my pain. I have a few friends who have gone through this, and they have offered many words of prayer and advice over the past few days.

I wasn't sure I would write about this,but I have read many other's stories on blogs over the weekend, and it has really helped me with not feeling so alone. Unfortunately, Matthew couldn't be there with me for the ultrasounds, so he never saw our baby with a beating heart, and then our baby with none. A mama's heart is a wonderful thing; I read somewhere that as soon as you find out you are pregnant, you prepare another place at the table for that child.

We did. We talked names, bedroom arrangements, we imagined next Christmas with a four month old. We moved our summer vacation up so I could still go. Those plans will now have to wait. My mama heart still has some healing to do; We still know God is good, and he loves us beyond comprehension. He opens and closes the womb, and we pray he will choose us again to parent his children. Thank you for your prayers. I hope none of you ever have to go through this, but if you do, I also pray you know you are not alone, and I know God hears our prayers.

I am repeating Psalm 61:2 lately:

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Isaiah 55:9    As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.