Oh goodness. Here I am thinking I was healing and doing just fine, and all of a sudden, it'll hit me I'm not having a baby in August. I don't know when or if I'll have a baby again, and my heart aches for my lost baby. A pampers commercial came on one night, where they show sweet babies sleeping soundly, and Matth turned to me and said, "I want a baby." That did it. A mess. And I cried.
I just read a blog entry of a complete stranger (although I feel I know her through her blog) and after more than a year, God blessed her with baby number four. She just posted today that her appointment at 17 weeks showed no heartbeat. And I cried.
Eli lifted my shirt to pat my belly, and said "baby". And I cried.
The doctor today told me I have to wait two more months before trying again. Two months seems like a long time when we wanted a baby last March. She asked how my sadness was. I told her,
Good!" And I cried.
I'll tell you what, friends. You all have shown so much kindness and support after hearing of our misfortune. I have had phone calls, and texts, and facebook messages, and cards in the mail, just to let me know you were thinking and praying for us. My heart swells with gratitude when my friends show love and grieve with us. This, by far, is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I never thought I would handle a miscarriage this way, but here it is, and I'm not as strong as I thought. Which is okay.
All my life, I've known I wanted babies. I couldn't wait to find the one God planned for me, and start a family. I don't think there is much else of importance in this world to me other than raising a family. I have two parents I love, but I've always been anxious to have my own family and be a mama and daddy the way I hoped my own parents would be. I don't know what God's plans are, and I know it's fruitless to ask why. I know His plans are greater than mine, and all things work for His good, not mine. He created that sweet baby, and he took that baby away. I guess it's not up to me to ask him why, although I wish I had answers.
I have been amazed at the many friends and family who have confided in me about their own babies and losses. It breaks my heart that so many friends have also gone through this, but oh, how it's helped soothe my soul to know I'm not alone. I know everyone grieves differently, and some people don't want to talk about their losses, but hearing these stories of similar situations, faith in God, and happy endings has been a balm for my heart. So thank you if you are one of those people. You truly have allowed me to feel "better", if there is such a word for this.
There are a few songs that have made me weep and allowed me to grieve and praise God at the same time.
"Blessed Be Your Name" Matt Redman
You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be your name. (I absolutely cannot get through this one without turning into a bawling mess.)
"Held" Natalie Grant
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
"Glory Baby" Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
"I Will Carry You" Selah
So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Those are just some of the lines to the songs. I cry every time. I didn't know I would feel like a mama to this baby if I never truly saw his or her face, but I was definitely wrong. I was blessed to carry this baby for 8 little weeks, and I will always feel like I have had two babies. I encourage you to listen to these songs and if you are grieving a baby, that they will take away some of your anger and heal your hurting heart. Even though words from friends have been so wonderful, the most encouraging thing so far has been to allow myself to listen to these songs, weep, grieve, pray, and praise God through this storm. Happier posts coming soon I promise!! :)